expectations

in life, its inevitable to have expectations of yourself, which would amount to more stress and more motivation. it's not that expectations arent good stuff - sometimes they can be the motivators you need to move on to something else, they dont have to be the last straw that will make you explode. but for me, they have been more of a pain than gain. sometimes i wished i didnt have that many expectations of myself. it started from an innocent dream to a fervent wish, and that kinda drained me energy and strength to move on to other things.

if only i didnt have that many expectations of myself. i should have known my limits - there are just things i cannot do no matter how hard i try, but i still push myself to be responsible for all the consequences. i want to teach myself how to relax and see things from another angle - the slightly easier way out. i complicate things sometimes, it gets a little unbearable when i start paranoid over small things that are so trivial. take for example, my work. my colleague doesnt find the job stressful at all - and for that, i envy her. cos she can take her responsibilities in such a nonchalent manner - or rather, carefree manner - that she finds things easy to handle. that's the kind of happy-go-lucky spirit. if only i can do that. i just find myself bearing too many responsibilities. you can say i have a strong sense of responsibility. that can be my strength, and my ultimate weakness as all. life is short - i really shouldnt take myself out of my limits too often, cos that will just drain my life away.

if only i can let go of certain feelings and lost dreams more easily. sometimes i find myself getting obsessed over something i should have already let go - maybe it's just the perfectionistic streak in me. and i cant help it, cos its just me. im glad sometimes i know im a perfectionist - it lets me understand myself better, albeit the painful way. i relish the thought of understanding myself and finding myself, cos im often so brain-addled that i start getting all muddly-fuddly and lose all directions. its not wrong to be perfectionist. and its not our fault. some people can just make do with things they have, perfectionists want to make things they have the best they can have. the way we handle things are slightly different - and its not a bad thing completely. sure, way too perfectionistic and you get let down easily cos there are no such thing as perfect, but being perfectionist means u put in the best effort each time u try to accomplish something. which makes it a good thing, isnt it. its just that flaws in man are hard to cover. they are just glaring out. if only strengths in people can be emphasized more often, in that way perfectionistic streaks would cease to be dominant. if only we can realise our strengths earlier. if only strengths can be as glaring as weaknesses. that will make life so much easier.

if only everyone is truthful to their feelings, in that way, there wouldnt be regrets. some people ended up where they started out 10 year ago, and that is such a pity cos that will mean you've lost 10 years pursuing something that turned out nothing. its sad, isnt it. but we wouldnt know that 10 years ago right? so we still have to try, even if the outcome was nothing we would want. you wouldnt regret, cos you tried. you wouldnt have to spend the next 1o years wondering what would happen if you tried 20 years ago. in that way, you will lose 20 years. so its quite a curmulative thing. its give and take and you have to decide what you would want. conclusion is, you have to try no matter what. follow your heart - that's the most important. cos you've tried and no matter what the outcome is, you know you'll have no regrets. that's just life, isnt it. you just have to try for everything. dont live to regret - choose what you really want, not what others want of you.